Is it endemic, systemic, or just what having children is about. Mothers everywhere are tired.

I remember my youngest was around 2 years old and my husband in his best effort kind voice said to me “babe you’re always saying you’re tired.” My head felt like it wanted to swing so fast around that it would pop right off my neck, to which I replied “yeah because I am tired. I am tired all the time.” I was offended by what he was saying. Did he think that I was putting on my tiredness or didn’t have anything better to say? I was exhausted and felt like talking about it was simply an expression of my truth. I was tired from juggling two kids, living through a pandemic, working full-time as a psychologist seeing a full load of clients, being the sole breadwinner of my family, being a supportive partner to my husband in keeping our family restaurant open during the pandemic, and not to mention the list of household and family duties that would run through my head while working on very minimal sleep. Yeah I was f-n tired. So to think I needed to now add one more thing to my list by checking balancing how often I say “I am tired” just seemed like one more thing that would exhaust me.

What I see so clearly now, that I did not see then, that the conversation should not actually be about the tired mom. In fact the conversation should be about the systems and ideologies that do not support a mom, and therefore why that woman is exhausted. We should not be asking moms “why are you so tired” to which the replies are about the inevitable mental load she carries, lack of sleep she may be getting, or weight of the burdens she carries. The questions should be about where in the systems that she exists in can there be changes to support her. It is not a why question but and what and where question. What other supports, or what is needed that will help you be less exhausted and burdened? What weighs you down right now, that could be shouldered by others? What helps you feel supported/taken care of/nurtured/rejuvenated?

In an era of intensive parenting in which mothers (and all parents) are expected or designated as “good parents” by showing up to all things, making all the cute lunches, providing only the healthiest of food, enrolling their kids in a plethora of activities, exposing them to an array of things, teaching emotional regulation and intelligence….the list goes on….it’s intense! For mother living in this era of parenting, they are tired. They are so tired! In a recent study  it was found that 71.91% of parents get insufficient sleep 3 nights a week or more. With women averaging above 4 nights of insufficient sleep per week, while men averaged around 3 nights. This sleep deprivation can lead to a whole host things, but most commonly found was heightened parenting stress and guilt. So not only are moms tired AF during the day, then they are not sleeping (we know this, but thank you data for confirming it), and then this only increase cortisol levels leading to increased guilt and stress. There are many few spaces and moments in their lives that they are able to decompress, rest and refill.

This designation of space and time for a mom, while it’s very important, is often very limited. We can go into the range of mom-guilt that can be self and otherly inflicted on mom’s for taking time, but the end result is that both systems and often internalized beliefs limit mothers from getting adequate space and time to rest.

It was two years after the comment from my husband about always being tired, that my eldest daughter drew a picture of the whole family. She had lost her maternal great grandma the year prior and still thought about her often. She drew a picture of the whole family, and one member was laying down. I assumed it was my grandma who had passed, yet when she began writing everyone’s names and telling me about the picture, she said “and this mommy” pointing to corpse like figure drawn. I both laughed and wanted to cry all at the same time. She said “mommy is laying down because she is really tired and should lay down.” Oooph, that mom shame came in real fast. I instantaneously thought “man they did feel and see me tired all the time.” I stopped it though, and thought about my goal is not to be a perfect parent. My goal in parenting is actually not to be an intensive parent either. My goal in parenting is to be an honest perfectly imperfect parent. So I said to her “babe you’re totally right, mommy was really tired around that time. There was so much happening with your baby sis being born, work, life, and then Grams passing away. I was really tired at that time. Thank you for drawing me laying down, because I should have probably taken more rest during that time.”

I have that drawing up for me to see. I love this drawing. Not only did she capture and draw so many of the people that she loves and are our family (both related and chosen), this drawing reminds me to make space to rest. To be intentional is creating and planning out spaces or ways to rest. To have the lay down. To nurture myself in the ways I need. That there is no guilt or shame in resting as a mother. That sometimes the best doing, is in fact doing nothing.