Mothers around the world report they feel incredibly lonely after having children...what are we doing to support, connect, and hear moms?

6 years ago I wrote the following post on Instagram:

• Is motherhood supposed feel lonely? I don’t think so but sometimes it really can feel that way. I can’t say this is a universal experience, and I know women who have really great mommy tribes, yet there are heaps of us women who also can feel disconnected from other mothers, maybe don’t have the time to be as involved as we’d like to be with others, maybe simply don’t like other moms around us, or the energy is lacking to make the effort. Whatever the reason and even if there is a supportive partner (shout out to all my solo mamas holding it down solo), motherhood can feel incredibly lonely, confusing and at times like you’re simply lost in it. So here is my little shout out for the night....although it’s lonely feeling at time, you ain’t alone in feeling lonely.
• Ps. I also don’t think we need to pathologize this feeling of loneliness. Rather let’s look at how mothers and communities are set up that it can feel so lonely or disconnected. From there we can step in together.

After this post, I remember an astounding number of moms cheering it on in the comments, sharing their stories through private message, and expressing their own feelings of loneliness in motherhood. I was struck by how much it resonated with other mothers, and not just new moms. Moms actually of all stages of motherhood

Fast forward 6 years and it feels like there is beginning to be a culture shift in recognizing the loneliness and isolation that mothers experience, along with seeing the impact of this experience. There was a study conducted online, and in a survey of mothers they found that 90% of them felt lonely since having children. In addition 54% felt “friendless” since giving birth (Channel Mom).

When I read these statistics, it was incredibly validating. Followed by sadness for the mother I was that felt lonely, and the mothers who continue to feel lonely. The loneliness can be rooted in so many different things for moms – perhaps you’re a stay at home mother who feels like she barely gets out of the house and has adult interactions, or a working mother who goes from work straight home to be with the kids, or a mother in an experience that you tell yourself no one might understand around you.

So much of mothering can feel like a solo experience. Starting with feeds in the middle of the night, calming a crying child, waking throughout the night. Often there is no one around, and in the middle of the night there is a true experience of being in it on your own (even if there is a supportive partner). As children get older, whether that be from toddler to adolescent, mothers find themselves juggling between the needs to the child, responsibilities within the home, life, and work. This leaves very little time to nurture friendships, engage in social activities, and find relationships that are in alignment with their current stage of life.

Not only are many mom’s experiencing loneliness but I have felt there is something implied that we do not talk about it…and if you’re feeling lonely, who do you talk to about it? As much as there is conversation about the mental load that many mother’s carry and the rage that they may experience, what about their loneliness? It’s so incredibly layered. In most Western countries it is rare to live in multi-generational households, not everyone has access to safe or accessible areas for children and mother’s to join, not all communities or economies are set-up to support mothers in connecting, and many beliefs are still instilled that mothers should smile, be grateful, and able to do it all.

I wonder if communities and people understood the impact of loneliness, perhaps they’d pay more attention to how we could support mothers in feeling connected. Loneliness increases anxiety and depression. This does not just impact mothers but their entire family. “Mothers who experience a high degree of loneliness are likely to be depressed, which in turn leads to decreased self-esteem and poor health, and consequently the poor health of their children” (citation).

So what can mother’s do? Think about quality versus quantity. It is not how many friends you have or how many events you attend but the quality of that time. Some starting places or points to spark ideas that may work in your area:

• Go to parks or public spaces where moms and kids gather
• Literally google “mommy meet-up in ____ area”
• Facebook events
• Search Instagram for local mom and postpartum supports to see what events they have
• Mommy and me classes
• Get outside
• Identify if there is one person in your life who perhaps you feel trusting to share about the loneliness with