I believe in order to move forward in even talking about it, we have to have a working definition of “mom guilt.” In its most simple form we can say it is guilt that a mother experiences, but that in itself does not capture how deeply felt the guilt is experienced, how it is often an internal conflict for the mother of having to choose one thing over another, and that it is not a typical guilt of “I did something bad.” When we define what is guilt on its own, it refers to having actually committed or implying to have done something wrong, bad or offensive. Also though this does not always feel applicable because often what women referenced in their experiences of “mom guilt” is not that they actually did something bad, but rather have had to make a choice that was a necessity, perhaps prioritized their wellbeing, or important for their relationships and they still feel bad about that. This brings in the fact that the guilty or bad feelings are in fact influenced by social constructions and beliefs that a mother should be sacrificing herself, be putting her child ahead of herself, and part of motherhood is that your children are always the priority. Anything that deviates from this is considered bad mothering or selfish. Coupled that with portrayals of motherhood consumed through social media, and it’s a cocktail recipe for mom guilt-tini. More on the social influence on mom guilt later, but it does seem important to note that this guilt does not exist within a vacuum, it really couldn’t considering that so many women of different cultures and life experiences get mom guilt.
I define Mom Guilt as the emotional burden of the shoulds, coulds, and supposed tos that affect mothers, leaving them feeling inadequate and overwhelmed. It is an emotional state characterized by feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and remorse, that stems from the pressure to be the "perfect" parent, constantly juggling multiple responsibilities and expectations that are influenced by a multitude of factors. Each mother will have her unique trigger or reason for feeling guilty and it can range from not spending enough time with their kids, making a parenting mistake, pursuing personal interests, prioritizing self-care, or needing to work. The guilt often arises from societal expectations, comparisons with other moms via social circles, family or social media, and the internal desire to be the best parent possible.
I define Mom Guilt as the emotional burden of the shoulds, coulds, and supposed tos that affect mothers, leaving them feeling inadequate and overwhelmed. It is an emotional state characterized by feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and remorse, that stems from the pressure to be the "perfect" parent, constantly juggling multiple responsibilities and expectations that are influenced by a multitude of factors. Each mother will have her unique trigger or reason for feeling guilty and it can range from not spending enough time with their kids, making a parenting mistake, pursuing personal interests, prioritizing self-care, or needing to work. The guilt often arises from societal expectations, comparisons with other moms via social circles, family or social media, and the internal desire to be the best parent possible.
I define Mom Guilt as the emotional burden of the shoulds, coulds, and supposed tos that affect mothers, leaving them feeling inadequate and overwhelmed.
Lets look at some of the research, to really just validate we’re not all alone in the feels! In research looking at if mom-guilt spans across different nations, Collins looked at four wealthy Western nations, and found that feeling guilty is was prevalent in each of the countries. In a poll conducted by Care.com, an astounding 87% of mothers felt guilty at some point, and 21% reported that they feel guilty “all the time.” Now this doesn’t even begin to get into the specifics of guilt, for instance how mothers feel about baby feeding, or the proportion that feel guilty for engaging in self-care, and how they struggle with work-life balance.
It feels important to simply start with defining what we’re actually talking about with Mom Guilt and sharing that most of us have it (and to those who don’t, gosh life must feel way more epic in your child rearing journey). In my next article I will be sharing about the different types of mom guilt, and specifics on how to manage it.
